Filed under: Life
The other night, after the memorial, a whole bunch of us gathered at the Monsoon Room to reflect, process, and just plain be together. I sat in relief and awe, deeply tired and readily spilling my guts to whomever could hear me over the din. It was a rare night and who knows when such a beautiful set of faces will be together again. This little paper ended up in my purse, the result of a little round-the-table experiment (Stacey, did you start this? It’s written on an envelope with your name on it).
It’s anonymous, but I know some of this handwriting, and some of you are weird…
“Write the 1st thought that comes to your mind…then pass it on”
I hope I get my mortgage free now that Lehman Bros has been purchased!
I’m glad it’s over!
Pink elephants 
I’m not thinking about pink elephants now.
Some people are impressively gifted?
Beauty is everywhere.
Blue Skies and Deep Waters
Flowing liquid friendships anew
Yeah, coconut oil does not work as deodorant, unfortunately.. but it tastes soooo good….
I’m feeling clostorfobic.
Wow a person could get really drunk with all that booze!
I’m really excited to go to Denver next weekend-family is loved, but someone else’s family is better!
Should I order another drink?
My head hurts, right at the back & my feet are cold
I’m sitting between 2 perverts. I wonder if I could call in sick tomorrow. No f-ing way.
Filed under: Life
I just want to tell all of you who have sent cards, emails, called me, or just talked to me, thank you so, so much. Every word has meant the world to me. There are not always right words to say, but it’s been so comforting to have so many of you reach out and say something in kindness.
My friends are amazing and I’m blessed to have you.
Filed under: Family
Here’s a picture from my Dad’s memorial.
It’s autumn which has always been my favorite season. This time of year usually looks like this: I have a birthday, I feel inspired to write again and knit, I go for long cold walks in the sunshine and drink in the colors, I drink coffee more, I watch You’ve Got Mail for the hundredth time and marvel at it’s perfectly crafted timing and storytelling (“bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils”) and cry at the end, I read a classic novel, I buy some interesting stationary, I feel amazing.
This year is different.
Grief feels exhausting: the low autumn sun glare in my eyes, my mind in hibernation. A low buzzing sound in my ears. I do the stereotypical fist shake at the sky and am struck with a bolt of silence. I get angry and seem to lack the grace and energy I need to love. I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to nap, and I find myself doing such absent minded things.
Life, of course, keeps rolling. The boys are growing, exuberant, boisterous, and wonderful.
I have to be gentle with myself, have mercy, remind myself that these past few years have been hard (for so many reasons) and full of major, life-altering stuff. I think it’s called a “grief ball” and it’s all catching up with me a bit. I lost a relationship that I never expected to lose. We’ve moved so many times, worked so hard toward our co-housing dream and in the mean time put so many things on hold. I’ve had two children and made that huge transition from a life built and lived for myself to a life of service and sacrifice as a mom (fraught with the normal doses of self doubt and failure). I’ve felt so many times like I’ve just been spinning my wheels and had a hard time having the energy to hope for a future peace.
Last night I was looking at some vacations cabins with Pat on craigslist and totally broke into tears thinking about sitting in some quiet woods, alone with him and my thoughts, surrounded by God’s beauty and finally ready to be comforted.
I think my soul needs rest, and I’m so ready to take it. I want to learn to rest in the peace of God amidst the chaos of life. Getting away on a sabbatical is not always possible, but I have to believe that there is a way to find hope and feel rest alongside my busy, noisy days.
Saying good bye to my Dad has been a long process and it’s just fine to have it be really hard. I can hug all the amazing family around me that I still have left just a little closer.
Filed under: Life
In case your wondering, I’m still up to my neck in the anger stage. Like, angry at ridiculous things and super short fused. Gross. Sorry, everybody.
Filed under: Life
I’ve been thinking about that old saying about the stages of dealing with grief, “denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance”.
That first “A” has been brutal. I’m sorry to everyone that I’ve snapped at this week. At first things just chugged along after my Dad passed away like everything was normal, but each day has unwrapped my muddled head a little bit more till I’m actually feeling this whole thing. I pray for tenderness, for patience, for peace, for grace.
“Fix You” -Coldplay
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Filed under: Life
One moment I was holding his warm ankles, turning him in his hospital bed. Trying not to break open his sores. Listening to his mechanical breathing. Looking at his emaciated body and longing for him to be free.
Then, off to the airport with one sister to pick up another from her late night flight from South America, fighting traffic all the way home. Pulling up in the driveway after midnight and knowing, just knowing, as soon as I saw my brother’s car. As soon as the front door opened and I saw the faces of those in the house. He’s gone. I’d only been gone two hours and still didn’t get back in time. That’s okay, though. I wouldn’t have wanted him to hang on another moment in that terrible state.
And I still haven’t been able to cry, I’ve just been so relieved for him. I had so much time to grieve before he left. Still, I’m feeling an overwhelming wall of blankness and tiredness and I think there will be plenty of tears ahead. Maybe when I can remember my Dad without seeing his suffering. His slack, hollow face, not awake, not asleep.
Right now it just feels like grace that he’s finally gone.
I feel homeless.
Filed under: Life
Things have been quiet here in my bloggy world, I know. I keep coming to type and realizing that I just haven’t had enough time to reflect on what is happening or process it in order to get it down in journal form.
The thing is, my Dad is passing away. Along with the swirling confusion and storm of feelings, over-arching all of it there is just a big blankness: I don’t know what to feel, or what to say to myself, or here, either. I guess that’s okay.
It’s been a hard year for my family. Please keep us in your prayers.
